Holding back.

Have you ever felt sad without even knowing the reason why? Or were there times wherein tears would just fall down from your eyes? Some of you may say that that's impossible or that's just nothing. But to tell you the truth, it happens a lot to me. Even if I'm not really thinking about something or someone, tears would just fall. And the worst part is, sometimes they'll continuously fall even if you're trying to hold the tears. Until now, I don't know the explanation to it. Maybe because I'm not even trying to find out the reason why this happens. Whatever the reason is, one day I'll know it. 

For the past year, that happened most of the time. It may be because I'm always at home and alone or what. Or maybe because of the "not so nice" things that happened last year. But as I've said, I'm not even thinking about anything at all when tears would just drop. All along I told myself that I should stop with the drama and all. But what I don't know is that it's not really "drama". It's actually something someone can't control. Before, I thought that I could control it. I even said that this year I would stop with that. But I can't. I can't tell myself what to feel. It feels what it feels. That's it. 

This year, I told myself that I should stop thinking about the things that happened in the past that makes me feel sad. That's what I told myself because I don't want to dwell in the past. I want to keep moving forward and just forget. But I guess it's not that easy. It's not some kind of magic that could just be poofed away. It's the emotions we're talking about here. 

I always try to control what I feel. And what does it do to me? It doesn't really make what I'm feeling go away. It's actually the reason why I start thinking about things. The moment I feel sad, that's when I start thinking about what's really wrong or what makes me sad. And I don't like that feeling. :( Well, that proves I'm not a robot. 

I know that the memories of the "not so nice" things that happened last year wouldn't be forgotten easily but I hope that one day I would just find myself with tears of joy. I want to be happy. I will be happy. :) 

What have I learned from this experience of mine? Nothing good happens when you're holding back.